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Health & Fitness: Juicing (or, How to Emulate a Grazing Cow)

Posted on Apr 6, 2015 |

Recently I watched a documentary called Hungry for Change. It was primarily about how sugar is the root of all evil. Also MSG, aspartame, and pretty much anything that isn’t just made from fresh, preferably local and organic vegetables. Basically, anything processed makes you fat. In the documentary, there is a thin woman who makes her living as a food writer who talks about how she had been diagnosed with ovarian cancer. To fight it she went on a juice cleanse and lost seven pounds in three days. I thought, damn, if I could lose seven pounds in three days I’d be one third to my goal after three days! The moderator recommended that, to detoxify my system, I should consume lots of green leafy vegetables. No new information there. But she also recommended including parsley and cilantro as a way to detoxify the body in my juice cleanse. OK!

I don’t own a juicer but do own a blender. For meal one of my cleanse, I started by putting a carrot in the blender because I’m forever buying packages of carrots and am lucky if I get through half before they start being colonized by carrot whiskers. I added handfuls of cilantro, parsley, and kale, a squeeze of lemon juice and a little medley of frozen fruit. The blade of blender whirred enthusiastically. For about twelve seconds. It just couldn’t do any more. The carrot might have been a strategic error. I needed more liquid. I added pineapple juice even though juice is high in calories and fructose and has no fiber. Fructose is ok when it comes in the form of actual fruit, but at that concentration, it’s much better to drink a glass of water and eat a damn apple or orange for the fiber.

I added enough juice to enable my concoction to blend. I poured just a little and tasted it. Yuck. I imagined this is what it would taste like if I went outside, pulled a handful of grass from the yard, and chewed on it like a grazing cow. I added more frozen fruit. Somehow I managed to swallow an entire glass down. And then I made myself a far more substantial veggie burger so that I didn’t collapse from hunger. Also, I need to eat real food. A fruit smoothie with yogurt for me is dessert, not a meal.

What I decided was that I was going to detox by drinking tons of water and dandelion tea. I’m going to have to lose weight by eating right and working out, which is a much slower weight-loss methodology than drinking grass for three days, but it’s also a more viable one. I just have to change my habits. Like not watching so many damn documentaries.

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