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Health & Fitness: How to Vanquish a Buddha Belly

Posted on Dec 16, 2015 |

I’ve been working out and eating well for eight entire days now, and, mysteriously, I haven’t even come close to losing twenty pounds or reducing my waist by the five inches I’d like to disappear. No women in my family have waists, but it’s important to set unrealistic, unachievable goals. I do think that, if I keep at it, I can at least reduce my Buddha belly. While I like Buddhist ideology, I would prefer that my physique didn’t resemble the Buddha.

The two bad habits I have to break are sugar and eating at night. Today is the nineteenth day I haven’t had a sip of alcohol, and not drinking is important for a few reasons: One, it’s all sugar and empty calories, and two, at least for me, I develop an acute case of the f*ck-its when I drink, figuring that I’ve already blown anything resembling healthy consumption, therefore I shouldn’t worry about pigging out on calorically catastrophic amounts of fattening food.

The other thing I do at night is eat more than I should. I eat healthy during the day, and sometimes muster the willpower to workout, but to lose weight, you can’t consume more calories than you burn. I was an English major and have always been terrible at math, but even I can work out the numbers on that one. I’ll often eat something healthy like a bowl of air-popped popcorn, which is low in calories and fat, but, sadly for me, still has calories. Also, I turn a healthy snack into something that could have been produced at Chernobyl: I shellac the popcorn with low-fat cooking spray. The deal is, they can tell you cooking spray has zero calories if you just use one quick spritz because one pump is less than a calorie. Have you ever sprayed one spray in the pan you’re about to cook in? Of course not, you wield it like a firehose dousing a conflagration.

Once there is something for my radioactive-orange-colored nacho flavor powder to adhere to, I dig into a bowl of something that contains so many chemicals it’s just a teensy bit better than arsenic. And adds three hundred calories to my day, times seven days a week, and, according to my calculator, that’s 2,100 unnecessary calories a week when, to lose a pound a week, I need to burn an extra 3,500. I will, however, somehow persevere, and while I will never have the svelte waist of Scarlett O’Hara or abs that rival Ronda Rousey’s, someday, I might just be able to vanquish my Buddha belly at long last.

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